i hate myself [11 May 2003|09:07pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | The Fags- Truly, Truly ] dont deny it.... u love nice guys. that guy who will go out of his way just for U. the one who feels guilty about sharing his problems with u bc he doesnt want to bring u down.....u know a guy like this RIGHT!? yes u know him, the one who has such an incredible capacity for mental abuse that he can reverse ne situation. tell him ur bf's a jerk and hell tell u how fucking awesome u r... tell him hes a PUSSY and hell agree and promise to do better. try to make him uncomfortable, and hell try to make u laugh. he resents u bc u can make ppl feel bad. u can flip out, u can do a selfish thing every once in awhile bc u deserve it. all those things make a nice guy feel horrible..... hes not helping others hes helping himself and he feels ABSOLUTLEY horrible for it. he hates to make others feel bad.....but he wants to make u feel bad... I WANT to make u feel bad. just once i want to have that option open to me, i wont abuse it. i may never use it again i just wanna know what it fucking feels like... just like ive never shot up herion, ive never been outwardly hurtful to someone. im a fucking nice guy bc im landon...im not landon just bc im a nice guy. u could have a complete stranger call me pathetic and i would apologize bc i would feel i had done something wrong and i wouldnt want to upset them. all nice guys want to do is be liked by everyone. even if a complete stranger doesnt like him he has failed. hes too nice, and yes he may be asking for abuse and he may not stick up for himself, but dont u feel sorry for him. but he could change right....everyone can change. but its not easy to change ur nature. ive tried. u cant imagine being involved with a nice guy could u, bc u value them too much as a friend. if u did ud probably just exploit their inherent good nature, whether u wanted to or not. bc u take advantage of me, does that make u a horrible person....or an opportunistic, and whos fault is it neways? ppl expect me to be nice, they know how ill react, and they act accordingly. i wont change bc its who i AM. but dont think i havent though about PUNCHING u. dont think i havent thought about breaking ur heart just for attention. sometimes i have the urge to slap the shit outta u, but i never will... u cant fucking ask a nice guy to be mean. a nice guy will never intentionally be mean. i dont think that i am NEVER mean. everyones dont a few bad things: led ppl on just for attention, flipped out to make someone feel guilty, demeaned someone bc u had a bad day and it make YOU feel better. ive done enough bad things to ppl i like. but theres a difference.... ull feel guily at first then quikly rationalize it... ull apologize and be done with it.. ull right it off as a "just for u" moment. ull move one bc u know iut was just a fluke and u do no more good than harm..... but a nice guy will hurt someone, though he didnt mean to, and will feel 30000000000x worse. but hell keep it to himself bc he doesnt want to bother u with his problems... he lets it all wrap tightly aournd him, all the grief and the guilt and the pain and he hates the only person he can....himself. I HATE MYSELF. ive had chances to meet new ppl, but then id feel horrible for making her feel rejected, and then for making her think im an asshole. but wait im a nice guy... im too nice for my own good. its a sickness i have... an uncurable sickness. ill soak up ur hatred and pain like a SPONGE(thats for u heap). dont take it personal 10 comments|post comment

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